Less than 5 weeks until Peanut's arrival and I'll admit...I'm worried. Not about the c-section or the hospital stay. Not about taking care of a newborn or recovering from a surgery. And only a little of the nervousness is not being sure that everything I want done will be done in time.
I'm worried because I don't know how to divide my time, my energy, my patience between two kids. I don't want Staley to feel neglected, but I also want to take time to bond with Peanut. I don't want Staley to miss out on going to do fun things or spending time with friends, but I also don't want to disregard Peanut's need for peace and quiet and a predictable routine. I want to spend lots of quality time doing all the things I love to do with Staley, but I don't want to neglect Peanut. And honestly, will I be able to love two children as fiercely as I do one?
I'm worried that Peanut won't be a good sleeper. I'm worried that Peanut won't be a good eater or will be really fussy or will be born with any number of medical or genetic problems that I'm not prepared for. I'm worried that, with my divided attention, I won't be as vigilant about the safety of my children and something might happen. I'm worried that I will feel exhausted and stretched and haggard and worn, taking away from experiencing the joy in all the little moments that I cherish so much.
I know that I will love my children as much as humanly possible. I know that they will love each other. I know that there is nothing better than growing up with siblings as friends. I know that I have an amazing support system who will help me when I need it. I know that millions of people parent 2, 3, 4...even 19 kids on a daily basis. And that eases my mind a little. But I'm still worried. I guess my worry all boils down to one simple fear...I'm scared that I won't be the mom I want to be.