Adelie and Staley's World

Adelie and Staley's World

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

The Toll

For the most part, I really love being pregnant.  I have been lucky to avoid some of the physical tolls of pregnancy--the nausea, the pains, the extreme discomfort.  I generally feel good and enjoy carrying my baby with me, feeling the kicks and movements, and experiencing the miracle of growing a person.  For the years that I wasn't sure this would ever happen, I feel so blessed to get to experience it three times.

What I had forgotten was the emotional toll that the pregnancies can take.  Not the crying-over-a-Hallmark-commercial emotions or mood swings.  It's the worry.  The anxiety.  I had forgotten how my mind can take me to dark places, wondering about what could go wrong.  We have always chosen to forego genetic testing and the high risk ultrasounds as the results won't change the fact that we'll raise and love our child, no matter the outcome.  But I do think about how a genetic disorder or physical disability or any number of difficulties would affect our life, our family.  Sometimes I even worry that I'm feeling too good or things are too easy or we have gotten too lucky with the amazing girls we have that it's time for the other shoe to drop.  I know that's not the way God works, but I can't stop my mind from going there.

So as much as I enjoy the physical aspects of pregnancy, part of me just can't wait for our baby to get here so that I can make sure he/she is healthy.  So that I can hold my baby in my arms, hear their cry, and count their fingers and toes.  I know that there are no guarantees in life.  I know there is no guarantee of a healthy infant just as there is no guarantee that we can avoid childhood illnesses or freak accidents or being in the wrong place at the wrong time.  And so I have to keep praying and trusting in God's love and protection.  In God's plan.  In his promise to be with us through whatever life might bring our way.  I'm definitely a work in progress with letting go of my worry, my anxiety, my need for control.  And I'm still looking forward to holding my baby in my arms so I can release this emotional toll that pregnancy brings.

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