"How to Develop Endless Patience for Toddler Tears"
"Magic Tricks for Making Them Listen and Obey the First Time You Ask"
"Parents Have Earned the Double Standard (Or Why It's Okay to Sneak Two Desserts When You Tell Your Kids They Can't Have Any)"
"Hurry Up! What to Do When Slow and Slower Are Your Child's Only Speeds"
"Bodily Functions: How to Stop the Spit Up and Make Them Poop"
"Finding Extra Hours in the Day Without Giving Up Sleep, Play Time, or Mindless TV Shows"
"Pre-School: They're Only 4. Why Do We Stress About It?"
"The Endless List of Bedtime Needs and How to Meet Them BEFORE the Lights are Out"
"Secret Hiding Places for Favorite Missing Toys"
"The Amazing Switch: How Your 2 Year Old Can Go From Fun to Frustrating, From Magical to Maddening, From Adorable to ARHGGG!!!! in Mere Seconds"
"Fail-Proof Strategies for Winning Arguments With A 4 Year Old Who Has An Answer for Everything"
"If You Can Do It Once, Why Can't You Do It Every Night? (And Other Mysteries About Sleeping Through the Night)"
"Whining, Complaining, Arguing, and Tattling: Please Just Make It Stop!"
"How to Convince Your Kids to Like Veggies When You Don't Like Them Either"
"The Quick, Easy Guide to Perfect Family Pictures" (including the pamphlet "3 Easy Steps for Turning That Grimace Into a Smile")
"Winning the Closet Wars (Or How to Get Them To Wear What You Want)"
"Losing the Baby Weight on the Brownies and Ice Cream Diet"
Of course, if someone wrote these books, I'd still have to find the time in between the toddler tears, bedtime needs, spit-up cleaning, and tattling to settle in with my brownies and ice cream and actually read them.