Adelie and Staley's World

Adelie and Staley's World

Friday, September 4, 2015

Finality

It's hard for me to say that we are done having kids.  I don't know why.  It's just hard.  In my head, I know that it's the right decision.  I'm almost 40.  We have 3 kids under 5.  I'm usually exhausted by the end of the day.  Our bedrooms aren't really configured to add another child.  Three was always our ideal number.  There are a hundred logical reasons why it makes sense for us to be done.  And Zach is absolutely, positively, without-a-shred-of-a-doubt certain that we are done.  I understand it.  I know it.  It makes sense.  But for some reason, the finality of it is just hard for me.

I've been trying to understand why I feel this way.  I don't know if it stems from the years that we were uncertain about our ability to have a family.  I prayed countless prayers about having children, so it almost seems like if God wants to keep blessing us, who are we to shut that door.  (I know.  I know.  That's how people end up with 8 kids...or 19.)  It might just be that I love our little family so much and I know we have plenty more love to give.  Our kids absolutely adore each other, and I know they would be thrilled about adding another.  I try to remember the anxiety and discomfort and total exhaustion that comes from pregnancy and having a newborn, but all my heart remembers is those feelings of joy and overwhelming love.  My head knows we're done, but my heart keeps hinting that there is always room in there for more.

I've already sold all my maternity clothes.  We're done.  I'm planning for a spring garage sale for all our baby stuff.  We're done.  We are happily down to one child in diapers.  We're done.  We already have a big, child-free vacation on the books for next fall.  We're done.  I'm looking forward to all those activities that we can start once the kids are a little older, like camping trips and bigger vacations and sports activities.  We're done.  I know it.  I understand it.  It makes sense.  We are so, so blessed with the three happy, healthy, amazing children we have.  I couldn't love my little family any more.  I know that it's time to move forward to the next phase for our family.  I know that we are done.  Now I just have to come to terms with the finality of it.  We're done, and that just makes my heart a little sad.

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